How Self-Prioritization Failed Me.

According to the World Health Organization, more than 700,000 people die by suicide every year. This works out to one person every 40 seconds, which is twice the number of those who die as a result of homicide. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death, especially in young people. Now, more than ever before, the need to pay attention to our mental health cannot be overestimated; we must place proper emphasis on our emotional, psychological, and social needs.

A powerful quote by Marcus Aurelius says it best: 

“Whoever values peace of mind and the health of the soul will live the best of all possible lives.”

Everyone needs to have a sustainable sense of inner peace in order to feel, think, and act in a way that is beneficial to oneself, and to others. To help us find and maintain our inner peace, it is important to identify the situations and factors that affect that peace by performing a self-assessment from time to time. Having expectations of people, is one of such factors, and everyone can be affected by it because of the fear of being rejected.

For me, one thing that consistently challenged my emotional health was my expectation of the approval of others, and it began right in my childhood. I longed for my opinions to be validated by other people, and this validation was the ruler with which I measured whether my friendships were genuine. I felt betrayed when my close friends challenged my opinions and decisions, and I was always insecure and quick to doubt the loyalty of others.
While I did not need everyone to agree with me at all times, I wanted to be allowed to express myself without others challenging my opinions.

I am the youngest of four children, raised in a family where it was the cultural practice to place the rights and authority of the children in a descending order of their birth (from first to last). Even as a child, I never understood why my opinions were not usually considered, especially when they were not in agreement with those of my older siblings. I saw this as a form of rejection, and I often viewed it as a personal attack. The only tool I had to protect my peace of mind came from a place of self-centredness, and that was to express my opinions aggressively, and passionately.

As I approached adulthood, I extended this aggression to all my relationships, first in high-school, then in university, and even into marriage. Of course, my brutal approach caused people to be wary of me. I noticed that I was well-appreciated for being principled and for having a sound moral judgment, but my ruthless way of communicating my opinions was repulsive.

I can never forget one of the major incidents that made me aware of this insensitive attitude of mine. This happened in the year 2017 when I had problems in my individual relationships with five of the friends who I held in high regard, and trusted the most. I had faced rejections from friends at different stages of my life while growing up, and while that was always heartbreaking for me, this particular episode hit me hardest because the confrontations happened separately within a short period of time. They disagreed with me on some issues that I pointed out about our friendship and they dissociated themselves from me because of this.

I felt heartbroken and disappointed, and for the first time, I was humbled to a point where I lost my self-confidence. I accepted that I was flawed and decided to stay away from relationships in order to avoid having more problems with people. I began to see a need for a different outlook that would protect me from future disappointments. Although I understood the benefits of relating with people, I was so scared of being let down again.

This experience took me to the valley between the two mountains of my life. It brought me down from the peak of my first mountain of self-consciousness. It made me aware of the struggle that we all have in common as humans, trying to protect our peace of mind by placing our expectations on other people. At my lowest point, I realized, self-prioritization had failed me and discovered that my freedom from this self-conscious mentality could only be achieved by trusting in the love of God for me.

During my solitary period, I was inspired by these four key principles for sustaining healthy relationships with people:

1. “Expect nothing from anyone and you will never be disappointed.” I realized how it was so unrealistic of me to base my inner peace and self-esteem on imperfect humans like me.

2. “Only God, our creator, is always willing and able to meet all of our expectations.” No man is capable of consistently meeting the expectations of other people because of our selfish nature. God meets our expectations through people, so it is best to depend on Him only.

3. “Good exists in every man. It is our selfish approach to protecting our inner peace that brings out the evil in us.” This made me more empathetic. We all have the tendency to prioritize ourselves above others as a result of fear.

4. “To love others is to desire the will of God, their creator, for them.” It is controlling and manipulative to do good to others because of our own expectations of them. Our deeds and words should be borne out of a desire to see God’s will fulfilled in their lives.

It has been over three years since I reunited with my friends, after about six months of separation. With these philosophies, my relationship with them has been constructive, healthy, and peaceful because I am less aggressive, more empathetic and no longer quick-tempered. I have been set on a journey towards the peak of the second mountain as I continue to aim at applying them in all my social interactions, especially with my husband and children.

Those four principles have been so helpful to me and they have never failed me. Therefore, I invite you to use them as a source of inspiration in your own life, as you join me on this journey up along the mountain of selflessness.

N.B: The information contained in this blog does not replace the medical advice of a healthcare provider. Consult with your psychologist regarding recommendations about your mental health.