When parenting feels so daunting….

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I have been struggling so hard to practice what I know about parenting.

I can’t seem to let go of my cares about my children.

They say yelling and spanking do not change kids. They only suppress their bad behaviours. But what do I do in situations when my child repeatedly chooses to do what I have told her not to do?

Yes, I know that I am just a custodian who has been assigned by their creator to help accomplish His plans and purposes for their lives but why do I still find myself stressed out and getting so upset anytime my children are acting in ways that I know are harmful to them?

They say clear communication, role-modelling and guidance in problem-solving are the positive methods of parenting but I have tried these to no avail, especially regarding the overuse of electronic devices. My children are aware of the negative effect of addiction to video games but they still want to exceed their daily screen time by sneaking around to use their ipads when I am away or asleep.

Sometimes, I am tempted to yell and spank but I don’t want to because of all that I have learnt about this type of discipline. I learnt that it makes a child socially awkward, fearful and violent. But, sometimes, I think this does not necessarily have to be so especially when the child is simultaneously showered with love and attention. They called this a “mixed” approach to parenting (love plus punishment) and say it could be unhealthy for children because kids treated this way are likely to accept emotional or physical abuse as normal in any intimate relationship they get into in life.

I think of myself too. I was raised in the traditional way by strict parents who punished me for my wrong acts and still showed me a generous amount of love. When, I became self-aware I realized that I have been quite fearful and aggressive in my relationships with people. I had learnt to make my parents happy without necessarily understanding why I had to. My strong-willed personality generated a lot of strife between me and my family members (parents and siblings). I felt too much of antagonism from them and I grew up fighting hard not to care about their constant opposition. Anyway, this is a story for another blogpost. 😀

For me, forceful discipline made me more stubborn about my opinions.

Recently, I began to understand that my parents did not manage my strongly opinionated personality well. I don’t blame them for that, anyway. Considering the Nigerian cultural values, they did the best they could do to manage such attitude.

Surprisingly, I already see that one of my three kids has that same attitude. She is very strong-willed and quite vocal like me. I really do not want to be too forceful with her and at the same time I am seeing some problems with the alternative strategy of ” guiding” her in making the right decision independently.

“For me, forceful discipline made me more stubborn about my opinions.”.

How do I calmly “guide” a child that has been reminded so many times about the need to arrive early at school but chooses to take her time dragging her feet around the house in the morning while getting ready for school?

What time do I have to “guide” a child who is crying because she was not allowed to watch TV after her bedtime? Why won’t I talk angrily to her or even spank her so she can go to bed on time because any extra time I spend to convince her nicely will reduce the number of sleep hours recommended for kids of her age.

As a Nigerian mom, yelling is the only strategy that seems to work well for me in situations like these.

Of course, I am not ruling out the benefits of patiently guiding a child in the right direction but sometimes this seems infeasible in some critical situations.

I am fully aware of the fact that their motivation for making good decisions should not be based on the fear of a harmful consequence. Neither should it be based on any physical or temporary gain.

I have seen that fear may not work for some kids that are really daring. What can you imagine of a high school student that takes a lethal weapon with him to school to kill as many of his classmates as possible? Was he not aware that that decision could land him a death sentence or life jail term?

Let’s think of this; everyone including children has weaknesses (uncontrollable habits) and we are all prone to mistakes. A child that earnestly wants to desist from a negative act but is struggling too hard to make a change, may feel helpless enough to settle for the undesirable consequence of his bad decisions. I have heard some women tell their stories of how they settled for self-destruction by being sexually promiscuous because they could not control their lusts after being violated at a tender age. May our children not develop a rebellious mindset. Amen!

Of course, I am not ruling out the benefits of patiently guiding a child in the right direction but sometimes this seems infeasible in some critical situations.

I, also observed that the idea of offering rewards and positive reinforcement to our children is quite effective but this has some disadvantages too. There is the possibility of them becoming so dependent on accolades and physical gratification, making them void of the inherent motivation to do what is right. They may become people-pleasers, constantly looking out for the compliments and acceptance of other people and may easily be disappointed when this insatiable expectation is unmet.

Ultimately, my wish is that my children will always make positive decisions because of a deep-rooted delight in doing good. I want them to choose kindness, empathy and humility because of an uncontrollable desire in them to please their creator.

Infact, the numerous parenting and child care tips proposed around the world are becoming overwhelming for me. Yes, these tips are very logical especially the ones that propose modelling the right examples (children learn more by watching us, they say) but sometimes I fall short of this expectations because of my personal defects. This is really daunting!

I am trying my best to model tolerance and emotion regulation to my kids but sometimes I find myself losing my control and lashing out on them. I really feel bad about this. How can I be that perfect parent with all my present inadequacies and character flaws?

You know what? I will put in efforts to practise realistic and helpful parenting advices but I am more determined to depend on my creator’s love for me and my kids. He definitely cares about them more than I do.

Moreover, I am certain that He does not want me to bear these constant feelings of guilt.

At this point, I would advise any parent feeling the same way as I am to trust God more. Let’s rely on His love for us and our children. He is the only one that can grant them the desire to make good choices without fear or temporal motivations.

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